Twin Saints

God, I beg you through Mary’s intercession, grant that we may become twin saints like Sts. Benedict and Scholastica. I associate him with St. Benedict, and I have long had an odd connection to St. Scholastica. I have also adopted him as my brother.

Michael, I am going to pray for you every night, alongside my grandfather, the souls in purgatory, and the unborn child I have spiritually adopted.

My brothers and sisters, please pray for me, that my prayer life may deepen and that I may come back from summer more humble, more practiced in holiness, and stronger in Christ.

On the Feast of St. Catherine of Siena

What beautiful fire from Heaven we received last night!

First of all, I am very proud of my two “daughters,” Jacinta and Lucia. Lucia is always so sweet and gentle, always reminding me of a little lamb or a little flower. She has been slain by the Spirit left and right these days, glory be to God! Jacinta approached me Monday night and asked if I would pray over her after the Rosary. She wanted to pray for the gift of healing, that her friend B would be miraculously healed through her. I was very happy to hear this, and of course I agreed. Perhaps Jacinta herself will write down what she experienced that night!

All the signs yesterday were leading up to something great. We were praying for Mary’s intercession, St. Catherine of Siena’s intercession, and also the intercession of the Fatima child Lucia that we may receive a miracle towards her sainthood. The night before, I realized I had forgotten to recommend fasting to Jacinta, but she knew without anyone telling her. She suffered very much yesterday, especially at dinner, getting very sick but all the while knowing that it was for the good of B. She impressed me very much with her faith and dedication. Although that sort of sickness instills an irrational terror in me, I was very happy to take her hand (along with Lucia) and lead her up to the chapel for Bread of Life. More joy came to my heart when she said to me, “It was no coincidence that I got your brick [at the retreat].”

At Bread, we received confirmations for each other…such as when we both began to internally pray the lyrics of “Blessed Be Your Name” right before they announced that we were going to sing it. And when it finally came time to pray over B, I was delighted to hear Jacinta speaking in tongues and receiving the gift of prophecy. Alleluia! Praise Jesus! Both she and B grew physically very hot, which I saw as a good sign. Jacinta was very brave and charitable, asking to take on B’s sufferings. The rest we shall see… I have been one “of little faith,” like Peter when Jesus was walking on the water toward the disciples’ boat.

(As a side note, I’m also wondering, based on the tongues and feelings I received last night, whether my future has something to do with Russia.)

Something that really touched my heart last night occurred when we were praying over Michael. Knowing that Michael has consecrated himself to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I begged Our Lady to come to us. My memory is very fuzzy until he began to rest in the Spirit, and he fell on me. I was delighted. With one arm around his back and one hand on the back of his head, I began to pray in sorrowful tongues while Peter prophesied. Soon this very strong sensation came over me, and I said, “I must let go of my Son.” Recently I have been struggling with the impending loss of Michael, Peter, and other graduating seniors, and I have been trying to let go just as Mary let go of Jesus, that He could go and carry out His ministry. Now I felt like Mary, sorrowing over the loss of her Son. I said again, “I must let go of my Son,” and then came something like, Though it deeply pains me to let him go, I know he is in good hands. And then I began to sob. The tears and the pain just fell out of me, like something was released. At the same time I continued in the tongues, as my tears were falling on Michael’s hair like a baptism.

Michael, Francesco, Jacinta, Lucia…you are all so deep in my heart. Although I must be physically parted from two of you, I know we can not truly be separated, and I am grateful that I at least get to keep the other two for a while longer. I have resolved to pray for you every night, Michael. Thanks for the breviary. God bless.

Do Not Let Your Hearts Be Troubled

This title is a reminder to myself. I am in the midst of some grave temptations and beset with worries… I am also a twinge embarrassed at an “innocent mistake” I made with the gift. Thankfully, Maria and I had a meeting today, and I learned much more about prophecy. (Although I am now terrified of making such a mistake again!)

We also brought up my “big brother” during the chat, and I suddenly felt like bursting into tears. I held it back, of course, but the reminder that we were about to be separated deeply weighed on me. As I walked back to my room, I prayed that God would help me to let go. Perhaps this is pruning? As we grow, God prunes us into the right direction, and “cutting” always hurts.

I must become smaller and smaller, like St. Therese de Lisieux. I must become humbler, and I must trust more in Christ, like St. Faustina Kowalska.

Brothers and sisters, please pray for me.

Brokenness

Feeling rather broken at the moment…or at least weighed down. There is no use in me going into it; it is something I must bring to God alone. It is strange I should feel this way, considering the wonderfully blessed things that have happened in the past couple of days.

Let’s start with last night. After the post-Newman Rosary, Michael approached me and asked if I would be willing to stay and pray over people. I immediately agreed - it’s something I love to do! Many great blessings and prophecies were showered upon us. The thing that really stood out to me, though, was when Michael and I began to pray over Peter. I sensed he was deeply troubled and lost…or something like that. Those words don’t fit exactly what I sensed, but I guess they will have to do. I was overcome with the desire to take it out, that he might not be tormented anymore. Of course I can’t do that, so I prayed for Christ to do it. With one hand on Peter’s shoulder and the other outstretched to the tabernacle, I offered myself as a sort of lightning rod through which Jesus could channel out all of the terrible things. My tongues soon began to sound painful, and I began to fidget, squirm, writhe, shake - all of those things at once. I would have violent shudders and almost begin to cry. I must have looked like I was in intense pain, although physically I felt nothing. It was an odd feeling…to be in agony but at the same time not. I was perfectly fine with everything, even though I felt that his pains and torments were rushing through my soul.

Peter said something like, “Do you feel my pain?” And I wanted it all to come out. I begged him to release it all, and to not worry what was happening to me. But soon he told me that it was not for me either…that it could not be taken away through me. It could only be taken away through Confession. I was very confused, but I left it up to God and then I collapsed in peace.

Tonight, at Bread of Life, I was one of the last (if not the last) person to be prayed over, and two friends knelt by me to pray over me. Teresa has the gift of prophecy, and while she was praying she said, among many other things, that Jesus was holding out tons of roses and asking me to be His, to “go on a date with Him.” I held up my arms immediately, and she laughed. Christ said, I heard your prayer, just as I was worrying about my great-grandmother again. I’m not sure if this is what He spoke of, but somehow I thought it might be. He told me to not be afraid, and He said it many times. This is very important, especially because I am always so full of fear. He also told me to follow the example of Mary, because she is exactly what I am trying to be. And I said, “Help me, Jesus. Show me how.”

I was told to read more Scripture and more of the Catechism this summer, and to begin to practice telling the truth more often, as it helps with prophecy. I also need to study up on charismatic gifts and contemplate whether God is truly calling me to be a prayer leader next year. I’m almost positive He is, but I suppose I need to prepare myself for it hardcore.

Oh, I am so confused, so weighed down. Christ, take my hand and guide me through my trials and confusion. Amen.

“We are one Body, one Body in Christ, and we do not stand alone.” (Lyrics, “We Are One Body”)

Guardian Angel

Recently I have been getting closer to my Guardian Angel. While worrying or walking alone I will remind myself that he is there with me, as is Christ. (I usually imagine and refer to my Guardian Angel as a “he” because it’s pretty generic in terms of non-sexual beings.)

The word that has been cropping up in my mind is “twins.” One day I began to wonder whether my Guardian Angel had existed before I was born, or if he was born when I was born (that is, conceived). I latched on to this idea of us being twins, angel and human, forever linked.

Granted, it may be that guardian angels are “recycled”…an awful word to use, but descriptive enough. I really don’t know how it works. I’m content just to wonder for now. And naturally, as a human being, I’m curious what my Guardian Angel’s name is, but sometimes I think I’d rather not try to find out. I’m terrified of being deceived by something that is not of God.

Angel of God, my guardian dear,

to whom His love commits me here,

ever this day be at my side

to light and guard, to rule and guide.

This Week’s Intention

This week I will offer up to Jesus for my great-grandmother’s salvation. I have no idea what is in her heart, but I worry for her, so to ease my worries I will place these concerns in the hands of God.

I am hungry, but I must remember that hunger is nothing if my great-grandmother flies into the arms of Jesus!

Heart of Worship

As I was walking to dinner today (or from, I can’t really remember!), I was worrying about Bread of Life again. Then suddenly the Holy Spirit taught me something through the lyrics of “Heart of Worship,” which played in my head: “I’m coming back to the heart of worship, because it’s all about You. It’s all about You, Jesus. I’m sorry, Lord, for the thing I’ve made it…”

I’m always worrying because I’m always focusing on myself. But I realized then (or rather, God helped me to realize) that if you focus all your attention on Christ, the rest will come. He also said this through me tonight at the prayer meeting. The whole point of worship is to abandon yourself in Him, until He becomes everything to you. “Becomes” is a bit misleading, I suppose, because He already is everything to us. We just acknowledge and accept it in worship.

And what a beautiful night of worship we had! So many new faces! One girl, whom I will refer to as J, will be joining us next year on this campus. She’s so beautiful and sweet, and she has the voice of an angel. I’m so glad she came. She asked for physical healing and that her friends may not pull her away from God - that instead, she may bring them to Him - and Christ granted us a prophecy. He asked her to hold out her hand and touch His cloak, like the woman who touched Him in the crowd and was healed. He said, “Reach out and touch My cloak, and you will be healed. Reach out and touch Me, and I will take your hand and never let you go.” In this image, her fingers were touching His garment, and he took them up and held on to her. In it, both of her requests were granted.

Francesco, a friend of mine, received the gift of prophecy. Praise Jesus!

Another close friend of mine, George, asked for help in learning to forgive, as well as the strength to deal with all the things on his plate. The response to the second was this: “If your plate is full, you should share it with Jesus - He might be hungry!” And then came the joy. I was overcome with the desire that George may be filled with the Lord’s joy, and so that became my prayer. Pretty soon Jesus was saying, “Laugh.” He repeated it many times, also saying, “I love to hear your laugh” or “You have such a wonderful laugh.” When George still wasn’t laughing, He said, “Do I have to make a joke?” And then George laughed. It was a beautiful moment; and I laughed, too - a holy laughter.

For Teresa: “I will teach you to ride your bike, so that you don’t fall and scrape up your knees.” He is always waiting there with a Band-Aid. (This was in reference to sin, and deliverance from it.) “I take you up in My arms and hold you to My chest, rocking you side to side.” There also came an image of Teresa as a small child, running up to Jesus and Mary, who were standing side-by-side. She threw her arms around their legs and buried her face in their knees.

Glory be to the Lord!

And another reflection, which I wrote down while walking to Bread of Life: “God is too big for us to understand. He is infinitely beyond my grasp and comprehension. That’s why He grasps me. He comes to me in little things that I can understand, slowly working me up to a greater knowledge of Him.”

A Renewed Affinity for St. Michael

After I expressed to my brother Michael my desire to be relieved of the devil’s torments, he gave me (quite unexpectedly) the Chaplet of St. Michael. If he reads this, I would like him to know my deep and sincere gratitude. I have prayed it twice already, once yesterday and once today. It was also very comforting to be told that when we praise Jesus, the devil flees to the bottom of hell.

Praise Jesus!

I had some thoughts today about why God uses mediators like Mary and St. Michael. I’ve often wondered about this; why does God use mediators when He could just as well do things by Himself? Well, the obvious response is, “That’s how God works.” And He works in mysterious ways. But a thought I just had was that maybe it’s part of love. God wants to “marry” us, as I heard from Christopher West, and bring us into His eternal exchange of love in the Trinity. I’m not sure if that sentence made sense, but I’m trying! In any case, bringing His beloved creatures (i.e., us) into His work is part of uniting us to Him. Ideally, we would be working in concert, working as one. I think this may be at least one reason why He uses Mary and the angels and saints as messengers and vessels.

Just a thought.

I’ve also decided to give up a certain behavior on behalf of K. I have a terrible habit of “hemming,” or making small whimpers at random times. It’s a very difficult habit to break, but that makes it all the better of a sacrifice, I think!

I Want to See His Smile

In the recent days I have been depressed and constantly tormented by the devil. It has tested my ability to remain strong even when I feel I can no longer see the face of Christ, and it reminds me that I feel most miserable when I feel distant from God.

But I was thankfully granted one wonderful inspiration while meditating after Communion yesterday. I decided that (starting yesterday) I would devote the entire week to a certain person, whom I will refer to as K. I will set aside a Miraculous Medal for him, and every day at 3:00 (the Hour of Mercy) I will say a prayer for his conversion. For Christ said, as recorded in the Diary of St. Faustina: “At three o’clock, implore My mercy, especially for sinners; and, if only for a brief moment, immerse yourself in My Passion, particularly in My abandonment at the moment of agony. This is the hour of great mercy … In this hour I will refuse nothing to the soul that makes a request of Me in virtue of My Passion.”

I should also pray the Rosary for him every day. Tonight, after praying the Rosary with Newman, I stayed behind in the chapel to pray. I gazed at the tabernacle and implored Christ to bring K to Him. I poured out my heart, and I remember saying, “I want to see his smile when he has come to You.” I imagined his radiant and childlike grin. As I recall, he was glowing in my imagination! And then I realized how beautiful he would be in Christ’s church. When I told Jesus this, I actually used the word “congregation”… as I saw K standing in a huge cathedral among many holy, glowing souls, and he was looking up and smiling. He stood out for his beauty.

I also gave up a lot of food I craved today, hoping that such small sacrifices would be pleasing to God. It will all be more than worth it if I get to see K’s smile when he has discovered Christ.

Ninth Day of the Divine Mercy Novena

Today’s chaplet reading, which I assume is from the Diary of St. Faustina, was especially sorrowful to read:

“Today bring to Me The Souls Who Have Become Lukewarm and immerse them in the abyss of My mercy. These souls wound My Heart most painfully. My soul suffered the most dreadful loathing in the Garden of Olives because of lukewarm souls. They were the reason I cried out: ‘Father, take this cup away from Me, if it be Your will.’ For them the last hope of salvation is to run to My mercy.”

It pained me very much to read this, and while I was praying I was begging Jesus in my heart that I would help bring such souls to Him. “I want to help,” I said. The desire is a very stressful one, but I must unite that stress to Christ, who is surely suffering much, much more.

But one of the promises Jesus told to St. Margaret Mary, for those who are devout to His Sacred Heart, is this: “Tepid souls shall grow fervent.” If you are lukewarm yourself, I urge you to devote yourself to the Sacred Heart. (I should also take my own advice!) You may not know where to begin, but there is plenty of writing on the matter. I saw one book that looked very good; for your sake, I wish I remembered the title.

In any case, please pray for your brothers and sisters who have fallen away. I would also like to request you to please pray for me. If you would like my prayers, only ask.

Peace, your sister,

Felicity